A bit of advice for Blended Families

This last week we talked about blended families. This is can be a really hard strain on the family. When husband and wife divorce the family system is bound to change. If their are children involved their may be outside sources such as grandparents, aunt, uncles and other family members. 

     It isn't always an easy thing either for the spouse with the children which in most cases is the mother. This can change how she dates and other thing in her life. We had an experience that was shared in class about a man who had married a woman who had been divorced and the impact that his had on his life. There were times it was hard for him and there were many new things that needed to be learned. 

     When we as the outside source come in we are changing this family system especially if we are marrying say the wife who has been divorce from her husband. Now this new man comes in but he is going to play some roles that have been reassigned. This will take away the close relatives from the system and will have readjustment.

Why is some of this information important I have just mentioned? It is important because if you are in this situation or going to be in the situation of being this person who enters the family system you will want to tread with some caution. Don't be so quick to parent the children that you get in so fast that you create distance from the children which can create distance from your wife. When you are in a comfortable situation leave some of the heavy discipline to her. This isn't because you are not capable but that it will help the relationship with the children. Remember you are entering in and need to respect the relationships that are their and you will be creating the relationship with the children and need to tread with some caution.

     These were just a few things we talked about the last week that I thought were important. Hopefully this helps you if you are going into this situation or found someone you love that is in this situation of divorce.

Parenting

     This week I am talking about a sensitive topic. Parenting. A lot of people do it and a lot of people think they know how best to do it. At least I think that is what people think. But today I am going to talk about three different parenting styles and how only one style is the best method for parenting. Now some of you reading will say you aren't a dad and you have never parented. I will give you that. But I have received parenting in at least two of the different styles. I noticed a difference and also happens to go well with the research out there. The three parenting styles are authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. Which of these is the best? What are these styles? Today I hope to answer these two questions

Authoritarian- This style is very dictator like. It is very firm parenting and many parents have done this parenting for years. A lot of children turned out fine. But just as Elder Oaks said there is a good, better and best to things. He didn't say anything about this parenting but I would say for people before this is good but not best. Example I will give is that your child is late coming home. How would you react? Pause and think about it for a second as I explain what the authoritarian parent will do. He or she will yell or be very angry that the child is out past their curfew. they may say things like you are never leaving this house, or you can never see these friends and will not listen to what the child says because well they are the parent and they are right. Now if this is you don't feel I hate you or your parenting style but there is a better way. The next parenting style I talk about will probably make you feel like a better parent anyway. But the last one I hope helps you become better.

Permissive. This one you may care about what your child does but you aren't really wanting to step up to the plate and cause contention maybe or want your child to learn it on their own.
The example I use will be similar. You are in bed in hear your child come in 30 minutes after their curfew. You go to sleep and the next day you talk to your spouse about how you heard your child was late coming in last night. You both are concerned why he is coming in late but don't want to push the issue or think maybe just something happened and just hope things are okay. So if this is you don't think I feel you don't love your children I know you do. There just needs to be a better way. Authoritarian parents you probably think these parents are push overs and need some of your technique or at least feel better that you are doing a little more.

We come now to the last method and best way to parent a child. If you don't like this method then I am shocked you made it this far but alas I will tell you it is
Authoritative- This parenting is more of a democracy method. Let me share an example. So back to the first example. Your child comes home past curfew. You hear the car pull in and meet him over to the garage. You tell your child that it is late and past their curfew and that in the morning you will discuss with them about it in the morning. Morning happens and as parents you sit down with your child. You may ask  him why he is late and he says I just didn't realize the time. You then explain that you all had discussed a curfew and had agreed that on weekends that midnight was an acceptable curfew. You may even explain that the reason is for their safety as well as for you to know where they are at. You understand they may have not looked at the time but because they haven't come back when was established that they are not able to use the car the next couple of weekends.
So this may sound easy and some of you may say well we tried that or that sounds to simple. I'm sure you may get some back talk but you did discuss with your child a curfew and that arguing is not getting them the car back. There are consequences to the actions. This method helps teach children one of life's great lessons for every choice there is a consequence whether it is good or bad.
     I hope this helps and you don't think I hate you if you are not parenting the last way. I feel the last way is the best method. Before you knock it how about you try it. It may not go smooth but it will go better.

Fathers and Fatherhood

     This is another important thing we talked about in class and even had a paper that we had to do some research for. Fatherhood is it important? Does the contribution matter if the mother is the nurture?
I hope to cover these two questions today and open a little more understanding. Fatherhood is it important. While some of society may tell you it isn't important the research available tells us otherwise. I was able to find a link to a small booklet called "The costs and benefitsof active fatherhood. London: Fathers Direct," I would invite you to take a look at it.
   In there it talked about how a fathers influence helped children with motivation toward education, father's income predicted how long a son was in school, closeness to a father at 16 was a predicator for marital satisfaction later in their life, and father's influence caused a delay in daughters having first sex.
     Just those few things should make you want to have your father around or as a wife to have your husband home. Mothers do play an important role as well but today I have chosen to focus on the fathers. So to answer the question is fatherhood important? yes it is if some of those benefits sounded good. No if you don't care about your child's marriage later or them having sex at a younger age.
    The contribution to children from the father has many benefits. Just as The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that children are entitled to a mother and a father. It isn't often that the Church of Jesus Christ we talk about entitlement being a good thing or something we should have. But this is one of them that we do have telling us children are indeed entitled to a mother and father.
     I believe in a God who is wiser and smarter than I am. This for me means God does know how important a father is to the family. Sure we have women who work and can earn money for the family and in today's society does just as much or can do just as much as a man. But he knows it is important to have a family and that the father is important.
     So if you still don't feel I met some of the reason a father is important check out the website that I linked for your reading pleasure and do some of your own research. Don't just take my word on this. I hope this helps you understand a little more the importance of the other half of the parents and just how important they can be to the family.

Communication Is Key

     Communication? Why so important? Why do I say key? I feel that communication is the one way we are able to express ourselves as individuals to another person. In marriage I feel that communication is vital to a healthy and happy relationship. But it starts before marriage of course. Communication isn't just talking. It involves body language, tone of voice and of course the talking between individuals.
     There are many ways communication can help us in our lives. In my own marriage this happens at times. I'm not perfect and even I misread signs or body language my wife shows. Most times though if I look at her I can tell when she isn't happy or doesn't agree with something I may have just said. I can even ask her "is everything ok?" to which she may respond "everything is fine" I know at certain times it is true and others I have to dig deeper to find the problem.
     This can be important in relationships because if I understand my wife's communication ques that she gives off I am able to better understand what I can do to improve. Also it gets the real problem out in the open so things can be corrected or better understood between us. If I just simply ignored her and was fine with the answer that everything is fine I may find a problem out later that could have been solved. Now don't get the wrong idea I love my wife and we are happily married and in most circumstances things really are fine.
This bring me to the other thing I said about it being the key. I feel it is a key in a marriage because like I mentioned earlier it can help us solve any marital disagreements we may come across. Healthy communication can even help us problem solve. Some communication is unhelpful such as yelling or name calling or anything that causes us to be rude to our spouse even if we think they deserve it. I have had this as a philosophy that communication is key. It was one of the things I looked for in a woman. Can I communicate with her? or Can we problem solve well in a disagreement? These two took sometime to figure out. It wasn't until we were engaged and had many small disagreements about things that I knew we could work things out. Most of the issues we face in our lives gets solved fairly quickly. This is because we both take the time to communicate and be open so that we understand each other better.
I invite everyone to try healthy communication. Work out the arguments in a friendly way and talk about them. Try and understand the other person. I know it will be more effective than the yelling.

Family Crisis

     This last week in my class we were talking about family crisis and the family under stress. We had a good example of how a crisis can be an opportunity as well as dangerous. In life we are faced with many crisis or difficult situations in our families. These come across in ways such as a loss of a child, death of a loved one, hardships that come on the family. All of these can either strengthen a family or cause the family to be destroyed in some way.
      Some of these situations can be easier if we rely on our faith in whatever religion it is. Being LDS I know what is called the plan of Salvation and that through the temple families can be together forever. Now that doesn't mean the pain goes away. I had a recent experience in my own life that has been hard. At times I have been distant from my sister and it wasn't until his death that we have talked a little more. This may be because I just lost him this month. In this situation that has become difficult I have found more connection in the last little bit with her. Even though I know this plan my father was not a member of the LDS church. But what I feel is that he will accept the gospel. Knowing this can bring me peace in my life. It still doesn't take away a loss of a loved one but coping can make it easier.
      What I am trying to get at is in these crisis's we have we must have some type of plan. Now don't plan every trial but realize when hard things come what will you do? Will you get upset with a spouse or loved one? Will you blame yourself for the things that happened? What will you do when the hard times come. One thing I will do is always turn to the Lord and then to my wife for the support I need. She will be my greatest strength in the trials we face together. If I trust in the Lord I can be comforted in the trials I face. I will not turn from the people I love but turn toward the people that I love.

Safeguards In Marriage

     This week I want to talk about how we can prevent infidelity in our marriage and some tips to safeguard ourselves from it. I hope I still have your attention after the first sentence. Infidelity? why would many of us care? Most of us probably feel a strong connection to spouse and say I would never cheat on my spouse. What is Infidelity though? As defined in the dictionary Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to your spouse. There are four types of affairs they are fantasy, visual, romantic and sexual. This may shock some who think of an affair just as romantic and sexual. We can also be unfaithful in a fantasy with someone or visual such a pornography.
     Now the point is not to talk about Infidelity and the four types of affairs but to say how can we avoid these dangerous waters? Some may be thinking still but my spouse loves me and is faithful and won't do this. You are probably right they wont but it isn't impossible. So what are some steps we can take to protect our marriages? Let me first illustrate a story "A wise father recounted this story to his sons:
Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a teamster (wagon driver). The freight company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even more impressive; with great skill and dexterity he managed to drive the wagon up the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
Who got the job? The third driver, of course.
With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
This story illustrates to us boundaries. The boundary was clear don't go off the cliff or you lose the cargo.
"Often we think that affairs primarily happen when spouses do not love each other enough, when the marriage is bad, when sexual intimacy is suffering, or when a more attractive alternative comes along. But affairs are not primarily about love, sex, or attraction, they are about boundaries; where we draw the line. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (2003), points out that affairs are more about boundaries than anything else."
So what are some of these wise walls? They are as follows
Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a
bed.
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.
• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.
• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.
These wall may seem to restrictive to some who just read them. One example I think of is a girl who says I have a lot of different guy friend who have helped me out in my life and I don't want to lose the friendship.
     This can be hard for people with opposite gender friends because it causes some separation to occur from close friends. There is great safety in this though because you have less of a chance to have occur what we call misattribution of arousal. If we connect with our most inner feelings with someone we can feel that we have a connection that could lead to intimacy. We also may try and help a friend who is going through a hard time and have the same thing happen. We can be good friends or or people in general and still make a mistake. It can happen to the best of us. That does not excuse one from being at fault.
In the scriptures we are commanded to cleave unto our spouse and none else. We may want friends of the opposite sex, want to keep the old friends we have, or even maintain old friendships. At what cost do we maintain these other relationships? At the cost of a loved one who has put their faith, trust, and love into us? Can we say we truly are obedient to God or our spouse if we don't cleave unto our spouse casting out the old flames, opposite sex friendships when our spouse isn't around and being faithful to the one we married can we say we truly love them?
It is my personal belief that we do make sacrifices when we marry. We lose certain close friendships so that we cleave unto our spouse. It isn't that we are mean people but our focus is on the second most important person of our life the first being God and the second being our spouse. The friends we have may not understand but one day they will as they find people to marry and cleave unto their spouse. Obedience and faithfulness to ones spouse is more important than a previous friendship. I  hope you finished through all this and will take these principles and apply walls to safeguard your marriage.

Preparing For Marriage

     In class we talked about preparing for marriage. One thing we talked about is the hanging out and hooking up culture that we have going on in society. This does occur a lot in our society and has caused issues in our society.
     One of the best preparation's for marriage based on experience is just knowing how to date and what a date is supposed to be. A date should be planned, paid for and paired off. Those three things can help us be better prepared for marriage. In class we talked about how failure to do these things could show up later in a marriage and can help us know a little more about our future spouse. If you are just hooking up or hanging out your commitment doesn't exist and that is even more true of hooking up. If you get married from a simple hook up because you both feel it went somewhere who is to say you will stay with each other because you like the fun of hooking up and the commitment isn't there.

Family of Origin

Demographic Background

     I come originally from a family with one sibling. I say originally because I was a foster child from the ages of 12-14. My foster parents became my legal guardians. So for that part of my life, I lived with my biological sister and two other sisters from my foster family; they also have an adult son who is married. In my family, from 12 years old and up, my dad worked and my mom stayed at home. I grew up for most of my life in Kansas and then we moved to Eagle River, Alaska. I feel that these factors had great influence on me, especially the arrangement of living with my foster parents as my legal guardians. My biological family, including extended which was mostly on my mother’s side, included alcoholics, drug users, sexual abuse to my mother and her sisters and a lot of the nasty terrible sins of the world. Had I continued to be near those things, I may not have been as successful. While I would not have done many of those things, such as drugs or sexual abuse, it does not mean I would not have had the potential to be an alcoholic. This could have been a problem, knowing a little history about my family.

My Family and the Proclamation

In my family there are four things I can think of that are and were important to my upbringing. The four things they followed from the Proclamation were “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”, they fulfilled their responsibility as a father and mother as stated in the proclamation, they established principles necessary for a happy family life and our extended family lent support when needed.

Love and Care for Children

My legal guardians, whom I will refer to throughout the remainder of this paper as dad and mom, did a really good job of abiding by the principle to love and care for their children. Mom always taught us how to help others and to have respect for other people. One of the lessons I learned was to respect women. It was a lesson as simple as it is polite to hold the door open for a woman. That has stuck with me for life and has been a blessing in my marriage. They were both good about teaching us to be obedient to the law and that we should follow the laws that are in place. Dad was good about providing for the family. He was good about providing the experience of what work meant or what it meant to be faithful or commandment keeping. One experience I had was: we had been given tickets through the foster care agency for a baseball game. I think by then I had already been baptized and we wanted to go. It was on a Sunday though. He didn’t really seem like he wanted us to go. I am not sure if we missed church; but, it is likely that we did. I remember that after going it did not feel right. Maybe it was God, but more than likely it was because Dad was right and we should not have gone.

      From them, I was able to learn that sometimes loving your children is making them feel unhappy at the moment. They knew what was best and loved us. We as children just did not see it because we thought it was not fair or that they did not love us. I think because they allowed me to exercise my agency freely, I learned a lot from them. I also saw how much they loved me by giving me a choice to go to a baseball game and realizing then that I wanted to keep the Sabbath day holy.

Fulfilled Responsibility as a Father and Mother.

            To start off, Dad was always very adamant that he provides for the family. He worked hard and spent a lot of time away from family to do his job in the army. But to say that he just provided financially would be an understatement and not true. He provided not only financially, but he provided learning experiences, as well. I do not think I can count the times he made the work for himself harder by teaching me certain things. But, I can say now I am grateful. I learned a lot of different things such as how to remodel or fix things around the house do plumbing. I also learned a lot as dad provided things the family needed. He was also good about protecting his family. Family means everything to him, from what I have observed throughout my life. My mother was good about nurturing her family. Mom always wanted us to be productive and do worthwhile things. We would do summer reading programs and other various activities. She has always been good about caring for those around her. She has a big heart and loves to do foster care and take children in. I think if I learned anything from her, it was how to be kind and giving toward other people.

Established Principles Necessary for a Happy Family Life. 

     “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). In my family, we had many opportunities to practice forgiveness and work. We learned about forgiveness a lot, which is probably because of the things we were failing to do right. One lesson I also learned that is not mentioned but falls under the respect category is that of gratitude. We took mom for granted at times. She took care of us, wanted what was best for us, made great home cooked meals and the list could go on. One thing dad wanted us to do was be more grateful and show our gratitude by saying thank you, but also by helping do dishes and clear the table. Sometimes, I slacked in this area; but, I realized it was important that I help clear the table and do dishes. Such a simple task would save her time and give her more time to do other things. It was also an easy way to show gratitude for dinner. This has helped me when I am a guest at people’s homes. If I am a guest, I am now willing to do my dishes and help out. I remember doing that several times as a missionary and telling the family to sit down because the Elders were cleaning the dishes tonight. We also participated in a lot of wholesome recreational activity. I would ride a bike almost anytime I could, I loved riding horses and other activities we participated in at different times of our lives. It was a great experience that we had because Dad was able provide well for us and he had a love for horses. Because of his ability to provide, our family was exposed to horses and some of the responsibilities associated with them.

      I would say these small things helped us to not be lazy or idle for too long in our lives. A lot of times people do not get out enough and work is a foreign idea to some people. I love that we had a lot of different fun activities that blessed us to be closer as a family and that taught us the value of work. I know in my life that working hard is key to me being able to be a provider. He also taught me to be someone who is willing to do what it takes to provide, no matter how boring or hard the job is at the time. If anything, I want my children to have gratitude and have similar experiences to mine so that they can learn and grow. I hope that I can have the finances to do some of the things we did, so that my children will be exposed to some good experiences that can teach them a lot. And I hope to be as good of a teacher as my parents are.

Extended Family Lends Support When Necessary

This is a small thing, but has had a big impact in my life. Sometimes we think of support as maybe financial support or getting through a hard family crisis. In my experience being a foster child with parents that were my legal guardians, it is hard to establish what the relationship should be for the parents. I say that because I speak from experience. I never can remember hearing the words I love you or receiving a hug from my legal guardians. They were not bad people; but, I think it is hard to know where the boundary is and my birth father still had visitation rights for us. While it may have been hard for them to know that boundary or I just missed the signs that they loved me, I know now that they do indeed love and care about me and are proud of me. What amazes me more is the support of their families in considering me as a nephew or grandson or even a part of this family. This may seem weird but what part do they play if they are not around in your life to experience your growing up years? The great thing is that many of them have a love for me and even though they do not know me they exemplify the example of Christ like people. They have gotten to know me over time from meeting me once and from hearing things about me from my parents. I am grateful for the support they have given me and show to me.

In thinking about my family and the proclamation, my family life may not have been perfect growing up and I may not have the perfect biological family that lives a life in accordance with the proclamation. But, I have a great second family who I have been able to consider my family for a long time now. If I could change things, I would not.  Without my family, their great examples of the Proclamation, and the experiences I have had and continue to have with them I would not be the man I am today. 

Understanding a Piece of Same Sex Attraction

     So I understand by the title that many of you are thinking, "Wow! This is such a heated big topic". I wish to talk about a piece of Same Sex Attraction. This isn't universal for everyone, but can help us understand a little about what is happening.
      In my class this week, we talked about gender roles. What gender roles can you think of? When talking of men and women let us look at what once were traditional gender roles such as men go out and provide for your families, women stay home and take care of children. I am sure we know this list of differences. Now, lets look at children. Girls play with ponies, barbies, and anything pink. Boys wrestle, play with action figures, make toy guns and such. These are just some of the thing boys and girls may do differently. We can see that society plays a role in what we play with and how we act. Now, society isn't necessarily the only reason we have these roles. We must also take into account our biological make up or the biological differences between males and females.
      We watched a video and I would recommend anyone watch this video called, "Understanding Same-Sex Attraction". In this video, men who are dealing with same sex attraction talk about how they felt like they didn't fit in with their gender. They had siblings that would put them down and make them feel separated from their gender. Caleb, in the video, talks about how he wasn't as fast as the other boys or as good at kicking as the other boys were. So, he decided not to play sports as much because it hurt. He felt distant. The video talks about fathers who were absent, personality differences between fathers and sons, and abusive fathers. So, their sons felt the need to connect with their fathers. This doesn't mean fathers are responsible. Caleb talks about another point the video makes as a contributing factor of Same-Sex Attraction. He says that he was molested by a male. Three of the men talk about their molestation by males.
     The video gives a lot in thirty minutes about a wounded gender identity, bullying, attention from dad, mother confusion, and pornography. These things played a role in many of the men's lives and impacted their association with same sex attraction. The men talk about the healing they felt came when they felt valued by other men in ways that were not sexual. They felt that as their fellow male peers accepted them their masculinity increased and they began to feel the love or respect they deserved from other males.
     I think the experience of these men is interesting and how they came into their feelings of same-sex attraction is intriguing. I also think it is important to state that, like the title says, it is just a piece of understanding the attraction. It would be wrong to say he suffers with same sex attraction, so he must have been this, this and this. We don't know everything.
     What we should do is show them we care about them, treat them with respect, and love them as Christ would love them. There are many people who struggle with this as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you are LDS and suffer with same sex attraction, this isn't here to offend you; but, we understand some of the things we do know about same-sex attraction. As many leaders of the church have talked about, the Atonement can heal everything. Come closer to Christ and he can help you. Many members that suffer with this do turn away and it sad but it doesn't have to be. There are resources out there and while it may not work for everyone God loves his children. I hope anyone reading this will not just throw it to the side and say it is garbage or that it isn't true. We can help by trying to understand the attraction. I don't want to go around fixing everyone who has struggles with same-sex attraction; but, I can have more compassion for people and realized that my actions can affect a way a person has those feelings. Again, the reasons I have talked about are not true of everyone; but, they do show us some interesting things.

Family Culture

   

  Family Culture. When you hear that what comes to mind? I feel that for many of us we think first of family tradition. This could be things such as we put our Christmas tree up after thanksgiving dinner or we bake cookies for our neighbors to give out around Christmas. While tradition is good and can shape aspects of culture it may not necessarily be culture. We may even say in America, do I have a culture? It is apparent that other countries have a culture such as China, Japan, Mexico and other cultures we are familiar with. Why is it apparent to us? Its because the we view it as different than what we do or as traditional.

     Culture actually can be quite simple and yet so complex. It is as simple as our beliefs and values. Culture can be that of hard work, respect for others, charity, and etc. Culture is more than just celebrating certain holidays or doing things differently. Such a simple word means so much. I would pose to my readers, do you feel all cultures are equally valid? What are your thoughts and impressions. I want to  hear from you and maybe even answer some questions to the best of my abilities. Do you, think all cultures are equally valid? If so, why? If not, why do you feel that way?

Changes in the Family Unit

     One of the things, in my studies, that I was able to learn was about the changes within our family system or unit. In my Family 160 class we talked about different theories and how they affect that family system.
     One of the homework assignments that I had the opportunity to view was from Everybody Loves Raymond-The Gift. That was fun and enjoyable for sure. The episode is Raymond's father's 65th birthday. It is one of those, you may consider, milestone birthdays. In Raymond's family they don't give his father gifts because he isn't a big fan of them. Unfortunately, he is unaware that he should get a gift for his father's 65th birthday. So, his mother and brother have gifts for him. Then, the episode continues and he feels guilty that he didn't buy a gift. So, he buys him an aquarium and one of the fishes die. Raymond thinks his father feels upset because it reminds him that he will die one day. Raymond learns that his father is upset that Raymond does so well with his life, can afford the huge aquarium, and the 40 dollars to replace a fish. By the end, the problems are resolved.
     In that episode, we learn two things about their family system. The first rule is that no one buys dad a gift for his birthday. Unfortunately, Raymond didn't realize he needed a gift because of this long standing rule and that starts the problem in the episode. Second, we learn his father has a hard time not being able to afford the things his son can. This may be because his father would never have bought such a fancy gift or would have had that kind of money to spend. We also learn that when he does get a gift he wants it to be simple and affordable. So, big gifts like an aquarium may not be such a good idea.
     One thing I hope that you can gain from this example is that in our family life we have to be willing to adapt and change. As we grow older, rules and the things that happened in our developing years will change. All families will face this as children get older and move away from home. A younger brother may feel when his older brother leaves it is his job now to be his sisters' big brother and protect them. The roles in family change and so do the rules. We have to remember to be patient with one another and forgiving as we try to learn our new roles, as things change, or as a family member doesn't catch on or know yet that things changed.

The Importance of Multiplying and Replenishing the Earth as Known by Prophets and Demographics

                                 
 Its been a crazy few weeks and haven't had time to update my blog lately. That will be changing. For a class that I am taking we are keeping up on a blog which is great because it is still keeping in focus on what I want to express to you.
     This week in class we were able to view "The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter" It is two separate parts The first part you can click on the title and to view the second part you can click here. Now even though it may seem long I plan to summarize a little about the video.

     In the video it talks about three key things population, birth rate, and fertility rate. They reference a big event we call in history as the baby boom. It also talks about how it wasn't long ago that we thought we wouldn't be able to feed our families and that the world was growing too big. Sadly though we were so concerned about the population increase we forgot one thing and that was the replacement rate through the fertility rate. For the replacement to remain steady we need a 2.13 rate and we are below those rates is what the video talks about. It is very interesting and I highly recommend that you watch them.
      Now you may ask what happened Nate? Why are you focusing on demographics? The reason I started with that is because it helps us understand just a little better the purpose and need for families. Families are essential to God's plan. President Kimball has some word of counsel to offer to those of us who may ask but look at the world it is corrupt? or how can we afford more than 1 or 2 children. He says "You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles.

"Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives."
     I share this quote because I agree with President Kimball on this. He helps us see that WE need to sacrifice for them. He also tells us that we made a partnership with God to come to earth and find an eternal companion and then provide bodies for the Spirit's waiting. If we who confess to be members of the church have fears of child bearing and how many children to have that is fine. It is understandable. What is not understandable is to not go to the Lord with your spouse and ask in prayer Lord help us to do thy will. We promised him we would multiply and replenish the earth. Maybe you only should have two children if that is what the Lord wants you to have. Don't just have two children because that is what YOU think can financially be afforded. If the Lord wants you to have six children well then have six children. I know he doesn't just want us to do something and then not provide a way for us to accomplish what he wants us to do. We need to have faith like Nephi and say as he does in 1 Nephi 3:7 I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
     It is my hope that you will watch the video and even if you don't feel inclined as say a religious person then watch the videos and understand what is happening based on your decision to not multiply and replenish the earth.

Success In Marriage and Family

Recently as I was studying "The Family: A Proclamation To The World". The part that stuck out to me is about how to be successful or happy within your marriage and your family life. The part I found interesting says: "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. "
     After reading that, I did some reflecting on my own marriage, how it applies to me and felt a desire to expand upon these and how they help me in my own marriage. Even though I haven't been married as long as some  people that may tackle writing about success in their own marriages, I know these principles are true and apply to us all, no matter how long we have been married.

     1. Faith- Faith is an important part of marriage. What is faith? In the Merriam-Webster Dictionary  there are two definitions they are "strong belief or trust in someone or something" the second "belief in the existence of God: strong religious feelings or beliefs" Both definitions are great examples of what I feel to be a success in my marriage. I have faith in God. Also, my wife and I are of the same faith. This helps our marriage because we believe the same things. We support each other and help each other to be better and truly live the principles of our religion. I believe religion is a part of healthy  relationships. But even to those who find themselves not to be religious, you MUST still have faith in your marriage. You must have a strong belief or trust in your spouse. You must believe that they will be faithful to you and only you, that they will be someone you can trust with your deepest emotions, someone you trust to talk to, and someone you honestly feel you have faith in.

     2. Prayer- Again you may ask what is prayer and what if I don't consider myself the religious type? Never fear. Even though I feel religion can help you have a successful marriage, the definition of prayer isn't just communicating with God. In the Merriam-Webster Dictionary there is another definition that I find to be interesting and still keeps with the theme of having a successful marriage and family life. It says, "an earnest request or wish". In our lives we may need to pray for different things in order to be successful such as patience, kindness, and love toward your spouse. You may have to make an earnest request of yourself to do these things and there may be things that you make as an earnest request to your spouse, in order for your marriage to work. Prayer has been important in my own marriage.  I have had to, at times, pray for patience in certain areas of our marriage when I wanted things to be done a certain way. At times, I have had to pray for knowledge of when it is best to just keep quiet because what I have to say isn't that important and could cause more problems. I have learned as I pray that sometimes things don't go your way and you may seem to sacrifice; but, some things are better sacrificed than to cause contention with your spouse. I don't mean to say you sacrifice the big things that need to be solved. You sacrifice the small things such as organization of things in a particular way. I am a very organized and sometimes very messy person. At times though, I want things organized in a certain way. My wife at times isn't as organized or not as good at organizing things in a certain way that utilizes space. Even though at times it is hard for me, that doesn't mean that I have to be super crazy about it. I can sacrifice and make the organization we have work or instead of getting upset, I can talk about it and reorganize it. Then, she can follow the new organization plan. Many times we have times we could argue or be upset with one another and it is best to pick and choose your battles. Sacrifice is an important part of marriage.

     3. Repentance- Repentance or to repent is changing from ones ways and becoming new. In religion we repent of our sins, which is changing from our sin that we have committed and becoming better or changing ones mind. In our marriages we have to be willing to repent. There are things about each of us in our relationships that we will come to change over time and one of the things we will do is repent in our marriages. We will make mistakes and those mistakes will cause us to have regrets or sorrow for what we have done. It will be in those times that we must repent, in order to build and strengthen our marriage.

     4. Forgiveness- To those who have had relationship experience this seems to be really obvious. As I said in the last part of repentance, we make mistakes and so do our spouses. In married life, forgiveness can be the hardest part of having a successful marriage, not that I have found it to be hard yet. I find it better to forgive my wife and continue on the path of a successful marriage. I have many different friends with various problems in life and others that I hear about. I now have a knowledge of struggles within marriage and there is a list of things that can be hard to forgive such as an unfaithful spouse, abuse, pornography, and other serious things that can be hard to be forgiven. I believe that all of these eventually should be forgiven; but, staying in the marriage is another debate. If your spouse abuses you, they must be willing to get help; but if such happens to you, you have to make the decision to stay married or not. But mistakes that may not end your relationship will more than likely point you in the direction of a marriage counselor. In order for your relationship to work in marriage, you MUST forgive one another. If you want it to work, it is an important step in order to have a happy and successful marriage. 

     5. Respect- This another big one. We must respect one another in our marriage. As my wife and I have respect for one another, our love for each other grows stronger. We are happier because we give and are given the respect we deserve. Respect for each other helps you to grow. Respect as one of its definitions is a feeling of admiring someone. When we admire our spouses we can grow closer to them and that helps us to be happy and successful

     6. Love- Another great principle of marriage. Love can be the hardest one though. It may seem easy; but, it isn't. We can't just tell each other we love each other. That is important. But, what ways can you show you love each other? My wife is probably the best at this. I remember how she showed that in January and February. January was my birthday and I remember she had planned to make a cake for me. Being that my birthday was Sunday we celebrated early with a dinner with friends and then bowling and cake. She made a Ninja Turtle cake. This wasn't just some simple cake.  The idea was simple maybe, but there was work involved. The dinner may have not been cooked by her that night, but it was one of my favorite restaurants. Sunday she made me a roast, potatoes and all the fixings for my birthday. This may seem like nothing to some, but for me because of the work and thought put into the effort,  I remember that. It was a way I knew she loved me. Another time was Valentines day when she had bought several things and had sweet notes and things she had found on Pinterest. This is another great example of her showing her love for me. What I am saying is that there are lots of ways to show we love our spouse. We have to know our spouses enough to be able to tell them we love them by our words and actions.

     7. Compassion- Compassion is wanting to help someone whether they be sick, hungry, in trouble, etc. In our marriage, we need to have a desire to help our spouses. Compassion can be one of the ways we show love to our spouses. We need to have  compassion for our spouses, in order to have a happy marriage. I am happiest when I have compassion for my wife. When she has been sick I find joy in helping her to recover or being able to care for her. I am able to feel good for my actions and she feels better because I am showing my love to her by serving her and helping her to feel better.

     8. Work- Another great thing. This could mean employment to provide for the family, work around the house, work in marriage, or whatever you find to be work. A working spouse that earns money helps provide for the family, which helps to have finances to provide for the necessities of your family. What I wish to focus on is  working together with my spouse. I have found this to be as much of a blessing as it is a trial. I feel great when my wife and I accomplish something together through hard work whether it is cleaning the house together, working on meal plans or grocery shopping, or financing. Whatever it is, I feel more accomplished because we have the same goals and desires. It can become hard when we are upset because of the burden of some work loads; but overall, work helps us to become closer and build the relationship up. 

     9. Wholesome recreational activities- This is a great way to stay healthy, relieve stress, have a little fun and break out of your comfort zone. Whether it is both playing a sport you like or going on walks or trying some new sport or activity together for the first time, it is a way to keep healthy physically and a way to relieve stress. The activities themselves may even serve the purpose of building your relationship up and causing there to be less stress in the home. Also, getting out and doing things by yourselves can help, so that you have time to focus on you and relieve a little stress and so that your communication with your spouse is helpful.

These are 9 things I find to be helpful in my marriage. I know that there are a lot more out there and to those of you seeking ways to have successful marriages or those of you whom have them I would love to hear your comments because honestly the goal in life is to be successful in whatever you set your heart and mind to. Whether it is education, relationships, sports, etc. My hope is that my insight can be of help, even if all you take are the 9 things I chose to talk about. I am so grateful that The First Presidency of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints came out with the Proclamation. It can help us to have successful and happy marriages. I hope that you will take the time to read it and reflect on what you do and can do to improve your marriage. It will make you happier and help your marriage. The goal is always to become better.

Why Marriage between a Man and Woman?

I was reading an article recently from Elder D. Todd Christofferson a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles Titled "Why Marriage, Why Family" In the article he starts off with a story about the 10 Christian martyrs of the 20th Century. He talks about one in particular by the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Who was a writer and some of his best papers were published as Letters and Papers from Prison. The one he shares in his story is a letter to Bonhoeffer's niece. It included these significant insights:

     “Marriage is more than your love for each other. … In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to his glory, and calls into his kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal—
it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule,that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. … So love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God."

     As I started reading this article and saw this story about marriage being an office or the crown that makes the king. Bonhoeffer helps us see that marriage is from above, from God. Your love comes from you but marriage is more than just something earthly. This is why marriage is between a man and a woman. That is the way God intended marriage to be in this life and into the eternities.

President Hinckley gave a talk In General Conference in October 1999 titled Why We Do Some of the Things we Do In his talk he touches on Gay marriage. Remember this is only 16 years before the Supreme Court ruling but nevertheless a warning he gives to us. He says: "God-sanctioned marriage between a man and a woman has been the basis of civilization for thousands of years. There is no justification to redefine what marriage is. Such is not our right, and those who try will find themselves answerable to God.

Some portray legalization of so-called same-sex marriage as a civil right. This is not a matter of civil rights; it is a matter of morality."

I love that I found this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley and it expresses my belief that marriage has been the basis of civilization for thousands of years. Many say it is a civil right but President Hinckley tells us this is a morality issue.

     Never mind that many of us in our lifetime just saw the redefinition of marriage and the basis of all civilization that we know. It wasn't long ago that many if not all of us disagreed with this popular trend that is occurring of political correctness and changing of society's main beliefs and views. Now don't misunderstand that I do not have any respect for people with a different sexual orientation. I respect them and believe they have certain rights. I am grateful that in Utah the church has fought for the LGBT community to have rights to housing, employment and other rights that we deserve. But marriage is not our right to redefine. It is something given from God and is of an Eternal nature. We can not change the Eternal nature of God given blessings on earth. As President Hinckley says those who tried and actually succeeded in changing this law will be answerable to God. 

     Elder Christofferson continues with another great insight in his talk. He says:A family built on the marriage of a man and woman supplies the best setting for God’s plan to thrive—the setting for the birth of children, who come in purity and innocence from God, and the environment for the learning and preparation they will need for a successful mortal life and eternal life in the world to come. A critical mass of families built on such marriages is vital for societies to survive and flourish. That is why communities and nations generally have encouraged and protected marriage and the family as privileged institutions. It has never been just about the love and happiness of adults. Another reason why marriage is for a man and woman is shown in this quote from his talk that Marriage has never been about just the love and happiness of adults.

     We learn from this quote that marriage is actually selfless and not selfish. We should marry because we love each other but it is about birthing and raising families centered in God. 

So from the things I learned in this talk I was able to  pull 3 things out from my study. 

1. Marriage is of God and is given by him, 

2.Marriage between a man and woman is a morality thing and not a civil right that I enjoy

3. Marriage is a selfless act and not just a selfish thing we do out of love but is the creation of a family.

     I know marriage is suppose to be between a one man and one woman. It is where families can succeed in this setting and marriage is given of God and cannot be changed no matter what society thinks. I hope that no one takes this message to mean that I dislike those who are for Gay marriage. I believe that they still deserve respect and certain rights. I know that marriage is not a right that can be given of man but can only be given by God. Marriage is an Eternal principle that cannot be changed. What can be changed is how we as a society treat our brothers and sisters of this life. We must treat everyone with kindness. Just as a loving parent loves their child it doesn't mean that they support everything they do. We can love those who believe differently but not support there decisions. We may not even be able to change their belief or views on this but we can be a friend to them. That is my hope that we love everyone.

Introduction of Nathan Blumenberg

      Hi Everyone,

     To those reading I have pondered for awhile about actually getting into blogging. As times are changing and as time has gone by since I have been married I have thought about doing this. In today's world there is a lot of debate on marriage and family and what that consists of in the views of the world. Many of the places that I will pull information for blogs that I write will come from articles on marriage and family. These will come from various sources such as from lds.org and other articles I come across in my study of marriage and family. I have chosen as my major for a Bachelors degree Marriage and Family Studies at BYU-Idaho. My interest in writing this blog is to share my beliefs and views on what marriage and family means to me. That means I will pull from various sources and quotes. That doesn't mean that my opinions will reflect various organizations views but that I find those things to be true in my life and marriage. Enough though about disclaimers and beliefs of other organizations. A little about me. My wife and I met in an interesting way through online dating but more specifically through an app called Tinder. Though it worked for us it is not something I would recommend to others. I have heard many things bad about it such as a place to find sex, NCMO's(Non committal make outs) and other things that are not consistent with finding a healthy relationship or marriage. This was a new app that came to Rexburg and at first was nothing but harmless but with time things find a way to become more corrupt. It seems to be the trend of society to take something good and use it for all different types of purposes. Moving back to my meeting my wife. We  went on several dates and after a couple months we were engaged and then last December on the 27th day in 2014 we were married in the Sacramento LDS temple.

Since that day I have reflected on the joy and happiness that day. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and as members of the Church we believe we can be sealed to our spouse for time and all eternity. This belief brings both myself and my wife great joy knowing we can be together forever. It is a goal as members of the Church to prepare and live worthily to enter these sacred temples for that blessing. If we continue to live worthily we believe we can live with God again as Eternal Families. I am so happy to be married to my wife and that her and I value are marriage. Not everyday will be easy I have found in the short time we have been married but it is worth it everyday being married to her. My joy and excitement and wanting to help others has been my motivation to write a blog and share my views and insights. I hope you will enjoy the things I have to write about and that it can bring insights into your own lives. 

-Nathan Blumenberg