Preparing For Marriage

     In class we talked about preparing for marriage. One thing we talked about is the hanging out and hooking up culture that we have going on in society. This does occur a lot in our society and has caused issues in our society.
     One of the best preparation's for marriage based on experience is just knowing how to date and what a date is supposed to be. A date should be planned, paid for and paired off. Those three things can help us be better prepared for marriage. In class we talked about how failure to do these things could show up later in a marriage and can help us know a little more about our future spouse. If you are just hooking up or hanging out your commitment doesn't exist and that is even more true of hooking up. If you get married from a simple hook up because you both feel it went somewhere who is to say you will stay with each other because you like the fun of hooking up and the commitment isn't there.

Family of Origin

Demographic Background

     I come originally from a family with one sibling. I say originally because I was a foster child from the ages of 12-14. My foster parents became my legal guardians. So for that part of my life, I lived with my biological sister and two other sisters from my foster family; they also have an adult son who is married. In my family, from 12 years old and up, my dad worked and my mom stayed at home. I grew up for most of my life in Kansas and then we moved to Eagle River, Alaska. I feel that these factors had great influence on me, especially the arrangement of living with my foster parents as my legal guardians. My biological family, including extended which was mostly on my mother’s side, included alcoholics, drug users, sexual abuse to my mother and her sisters and a lot of the nasty terrible sins of the world. Had I continued to be near those things, I may not have been as successful. While I would not have done many of those things, such as drugs or sexual abuse, it does not mean I would not have had the potential to be an alcoholic. This could have been a problem, knowing a little history about my family.

My Family and the Proclamation

In my family there are four things I can think of that are and were important to my upbringing. The four things they followed from the Proclamation were “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”, they fulfilled their responsibility as a father and mother as stated in the proclamation, they established principles necessary for a happy family life and our extended family lent support when needed.

Love and Care for Children

My legal guardians, whom I will refer to throughout the remainder of this paper as dad and mom, did a really good job of abiding by the principle to love and care for their children. Mom always taught us how to help others and to have respect for other people. One of the lessons I learned was to respect women. It was a lesson as simple as it is polite to hold the door open for a woman. That has stuck with me for life and has been a blessing in my marriage. They were both good about teaching us to be obedient to the law and that we should follow the laws that are in place. Dad was good about providing for the family. He was good about providing the experience of what work meant or what it meant to be faithful or commandment keeping. One experience I had was: we had been given tickets through the foster care agency for a baseball game. I think by then I had already been baptized and we wanted to go. It was on a Sunday though. He didn’t really seem like he wanted us to go. I am not sure if we missed church; but, it is likely that we did. I remember that after going it did not feel right. Maybe it was God, but more than likely it was because Dad was right and we should not have gone.

      From them, I was able to learn that sometimes loving your children is making them feel unhappy at the moment. They knew what was best and loved us. We as children just did not see it because we thought it was not fair or that they did not love us. I think because they allowed me to exercise my agency freely, I learned a lot from them. I also saw how much they loved me by giving me a choice to go to a baseball game and realizing then that I wanted to keep the Sabbath day holy.

Fulfilled Responsibility as a Father and Mother.

            To start off, Dad was always very adamant that he provides for the family. He worked hard and spent a lot of time away from family to do his job in the army. But to say that he just provided financially would be an understatement and not true. He provided not only financially, but he provided learning experiences, as well. I do not think I can count the times he made the work for himself harder by teaching me certain things. But, I can say now I am grateful. I learned a lot of different things such as how to remodel or fix things around the house do plumbing. I also learned a lot as dad provided things the family needed. He was also good about protecting his family. Family means everything to him, from what I have observed throughout my life. My mother was good about nurturing her family. Mom always wanted us to be productive and do worthwhile things. We would do summer reading programs and other various activities. She has always been good about caring for those around her. She has a big heart and loves to do foster care and take children in. I think if I learned anything from her, it was how to be kind and giving toward other people.

Established Principles Necessary for a Happy Family Life. 

     “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). In my family, we had many opportunities to practice forgiveness and work. We learned about forgiveness a lot, which is probably because of the things we were failing to do right. One lesson I also learned that is not mentioned but falls under the respect category is that of gratitude. We took mom for granted at times. She took care of us, wanted what was best for us, made great home cooked meals and the list could go on. One thing dad wanted us to do was be more grateful and show our gratitude by saying thank you, but also by helping do dishes and clear the table. Sometimes, I slacked in this area; but, I realized it was important that I help clear the table and do dishes. Such a simple task would save her time and give her more time to do other things. It was also an easy way to show gratitude for dinner. This has helped me when I am a guest at people’s homes. If I am a guest, I am now willing to do my dishes and help out. I remember doing that several times as a missionary and telling the family to sit down because the Elders were cleaning the dishes tonight. We also participated in a lot of wholesome recreational activity. I would ride a bike almost anytime I could, I loved riding horses and other activities we participated in at different times of our lives. It was a great experience that we had because Dad was able provide well for us and he had a love for horses. Because of his ability to provide, our family was exposed to horses and some of the responsibilities associated with them.

      I would say these small things helped us to not be lazy or idle for too long in our lives. A lot of times people do not get out enough and work is a foreign idea to some people. I love that we had a lot of different fun activities that blessed us to be closer as a family and that taught us the value of work. I know in my life that working hard is key to me being able to be a provider. He also taught me to be someone who is willing to do what it takes to provide, no matter how boring or hard the job is at the time. If anything, I want my children to have gratitude and have similar experiences to mine so that they can learn and grow. I hope that I can have the finances to do some of the things we did, so that my children will be exposed to some good experiences that can teach them a lot. And I hope to be as good of a teacher as my parents are.

Extended Family Lends Support When Necessary

This is a small thing, but has had a big impact in my life. Sometimes we think of support as maybe financial support or getting through a hard family crisis. In my experience being a foster child with parents that were my legal guardians, it is hard to establish what the relationship should be for the parents. I say that because I speak from experience. I never can remember hearing the words I love you or receiving a hug from my legal guardians. They were not bad people; but, I think it is hard to know where the boundary is and my birth father still had visitation rights for us. While it may have been hard for them to know that boundary or I just missed the signs that they loved me, I know now that they do indeed love and care about me and are proud of me. What amazes me more is the support of their families in considering me as a nephew or grandson or even a part of this family. This may seem weird but what part do they play if they are not around in your life to experience your growing up years? The great thing is that many of them have a love for me and even though they do not know me they exemplify the example of Christ like people. They have gotten to know me over time from meeting me once and from hearing things about me from my parents. I am grateful for the support they have given me and show to me.

In thinking about my family and the proclamation, my family life may not have been perfect growing up and I may not have the perfect biological family that lives a life in accordance with the proclamation. But, I have a great second family who I have been able to consider my family for a long time now. If I could change things, I would not.  Without my family, their great examples of the Proclamation, and the experiences I have had and continue to have with them I would not be the man I am today. 

Understanding a Piece of Same Sex Attraction

     So I understand by the title that many of you are thinking, "Wow! This is such a heated big topic". I wish to talk about a piece of Same Sex Attraction. This isn't universal for everyone, but can help us understand a little about what is happening.
      In my class this week, we talked about gender roles. What gender roles can you think of? When talking of men and women let us look at what once were traditional gender roles such as men go out and provide for your families, women stay home and take care of children. I am sure we know this list of differences. Now, lets look at children. Girls play with ponies, barbies, and anything pink. Boys wrestle, play with action figures, make toy guns and such. These are just some of the thing boys and girls may do differently. We can see that society plays a role in what we play with and how we act. Now, society isn't necessarily the only reason we have these roles. We must also take into account our biological make up or the biological differences between males and females.
      We watched a video and I would recommend anyone watch this video called, "Understanding Same-Sex Attraction". In this video, men who are dealing with same sex attraction talk about how they felt like they didn't fit in with their gender. They had siblings that would put them down and make them feel separated from their gender. Caleb, in the video, talks about how he wasn't as fast as the other boys or as good at kicking as the other boys were. So, he decided not to play sports as much because it hurt. He felt distant. The video talks about fathers who were absent, personality differences between fathers and sons, and abusive fathers. So, their sons felt the need to connect with their fathers. This doesn't mean fathers are responsible. Caleb talks about another point the video makes as a contributing factor of Same-Sex Attraction. He says that he was molested by a male. Three of the men talk about their molestation by males.
     The video gives a lot in thirty minutes about a wounded gender identity, bullying, attention from dad, mother confusion, and pornography. These things played a role in many of the men's lives and impacted their association with same sex attraction. The men talk about the healing they felt came when they felt valued by other men in ways that were not sexual. They felt that as their fellow male peers accepted them their masculinity increased and they began to feel the love or respect they deserved from other males.
     I think the experience of these men is interesting and how they came into their feelings of same-sex attraction is intriguing. I also think it is important to state that, like the title says, it is just a piece of understanding the attraction. It would be wrong to say he suffers with same sex attraction, so he must have been this, this and this. We don't know everything.
     What we should do is show them we care about them, treat them with respect, and love them as Christ would love them. There are many people who struggle with this as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you are LDS and suffer with same sex attraction, this isn't here to offend you; but, we understand some of the things we do know about same-sex attraction. As many leaders of the church have talked about, the Atonement can heal everything. Come closer to Christ and he can help you. Many members that suffer with this do turn away and it sad but it doesn't have to be. There are resources out there and while it may not work for everyone God loves his children. I hope anyone reading this will not just throw it to the side and say it is garbage or that it isn't true. We can help by trying to understand the attraction. I don't want to go around fixing everyone who has struggles with same-sex attraction; but, I can have more compassion for people and realized that my actions can affect a way a person has those feelings. Again, the reasons I have talked about are not true of everyone; but, they do show us some interesting things.

Family Culture

   

  Family Culture. When you hear that what comes to mind? I feel that for many of us we think first of family tradition. This could be things such as we put our Christmas tree up after thanksgiving dinner or we bake cookies for our neighbors to give out around Christmas. While tradition is good and can shape aspects of culture it may not necessarily be culture. We may even say in America, do I have a culture? It is apparent that other countries have a culture such as China, Japan, Mexico and other cultures we are familiar with. Why is it apparent to us? Its because the we view it as different than what we do or as traditional.

     Culture actually can be quite simple and yet so complex. It is as simple as our beliefs and values. Culture can be that of hard work, respect for others, charity, and etc. Culture is more than just celebrating certain holidays or doing things differently. Such a simple word means so much. I would pose to my readers, do you feel all cultures are equally valid? What are your thoughts and impressions. I want to  hear from you and maybe even answer some questions to the best of my abilities. Do you, think all cultures are equally valid? If so, why? If not, why do you feel that way?

Changes in the Family Unit

     One of the things, in my studies, that I was able to learn was about the changes within our family system or unit. In my Family 160 class we talked about different theories and how they affect that family system.
     One of the homework assignments that I had the opportunity to view was from Everybody Loves Raymond-The Gift. That was fun and enjoyable for sure. The episode is Raymond's father's 65th birthday. It is one of those, you may consider, milestone birthdays. In Raymond's family they don't give his father gifts because he isn't a big fan of them. Unfortunately, he is unaware that he should get a gift for his father's 65th birthday. So, his mother and brother have gifts for him. Then, the episode continues and he feels guilty that he didn't buy a gift. So, he buys him an aquarium and one of the fishes die. Raymond thinks his father feels upset because it reminds him that he will die one day. Raymond learns that his father is upset that Raymond does so well with his life, can afford the huge aquarium, and the 40 dollars to replace a fish. By the end, the problems are resolved.
     In that episode, we learn two things about their family system. The first rule is that no one buys dad a gift for his birthday. Unfortunately, Raymond didn't realize he needed a gift because of this long standing rule and that starts the problem in the episode. Second, we learn his father has a hard time not being able to afford the things his son can. This may be because his father would never have bought such a fancy gift or would have had that kind of money to spend. We also learn that when he does get a gift he wants it to be simple and affordable. So, big gifts like an aquarium may not be such a good idea.
     One thing I hope that you can gain from this example is that in our family life we have to be willing to adapt and change. As we grow older, rules and the things that happened in our developing years will change. All families will face this as children get older and move away from home. A younger brother may feel when his older brother leaves it is his job now to be his sisters' big brother and protect them. The roles in family change and so do the rules. We have to remember to be patient with one another and forgiving as we try to learn our new roles, as things change, or as a family member doesn't catch on or know yet that things changed.