A bit of advice for Blended Families

This last week we talked about blended families. This is can be a really hard strain on the family. When husband and wife divorce the family system is bound to change. If their are children involved their may be outside sources such as grandparents, aunt, uncles and other family members. 

     It isn't always an easy thing either for the spouse with the children which in most cases is the mother. This can change how she dates and other thing in her life. We had an experience that was shared in class about a man who had married a woman who had been divorced and the impact that his had on his life. There were times it was hard for him and there were many new things that needed to be learned. 

     When we as the outside source come in we are changing this family system especially if we are marrying say the wife who has been divorce from her husband. Now this new man comes in but he is going to play some roles that have been reassigned. This will take away the close relatives from the system and will have readjustment.

Why is some of this information important I have just mentioned? It is important because if you are in this situation or going to be in the situation of being this person who enters the family system you will want to tread with some caution. Don't be so quick to parent the children that you get in so fast that you create distance from the children which can create distance from your wife. When you are in a comfortable situation leave some of the heavy discipline to her. This isn't because you are not capable but that it will help the relationship with the children. Remember you are entering in and need to respect the relationships that are their and you will be creating the relationship with the children and need to tread with some caution.

     These were just a few things we talked about the last week that I thought were important. Hopefully this helps you if you are going into this situation or found someone you love that is in this situation of divorce.

Parenting

     This week I am talking about a sensitive topic. Parenting. A lot of people do it and a lot of people think they know how best to do it. At least I think that is what people think. But today I am going to talk about three different parenting styles and how only one style is the best method for parenting. Now some of you reading will say you aren't a dad and you have never parented. I will give you that. But I have received parenting in at least two of the different styles. I noticed a difference and also happens to go well with the research out there. The three parenting styles are authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. Which of these is the best? What are these styles? Today I hope to answer these two questions

Authoritarian- This style is very dictator like. It is very firm parenting and many parents have done this parenting for years. A lot of children turned out fine. But just as Elder Oaks said there is a good, better and best to things. He didn't say anything about this parenting but I would say for people before this is good but not best. Example I will give is that your child is late coming home. How would you react? Pause and think about it for a second as I explain what the authoritarian parent will do. He or she will yell or be very angry that the child is out past their curfew. they may say things like you are never leaving this house, or you can never see these friends and will not listen to what the child says because well they are the parent and they are right. Now if this is you don't feel I hate you or your parenting style but there is a better way. The next parenting style I talk about will probably make you feel like a better parent anyway. But the last one I hope helps you become better.

Permissive. This one you may care about what your child does but you aren't really wanting to step up to the plate and cause contention maybe or want your child to learn it on their own.
The example I use will be similar. You are in bed in hear your child come in 30 minutes after their curfew. You go to sleep and the next day you talk to your spouse about how you heard your child was late coming in last night. You both are concerned why he is coming in late but don't want to push the issue or think maybe just something happened and just hope things are okay. So if this is you don't think I feel you don't love your children I know you do. There just needs to be a better way. Authoritarian parents you probably think these parents are push overs and need some of your technique or at least feel better that you are doing a little more.

We come now to the last method and best way to parent a child. If you don't like this method then I am shocked you made it this far but alas I will tell you it is
Authoritative- This parenting is more of a democracy method. Let me share an example. So back to the first example. Your child comes home past curfew. You hear the car pull in and meet him over to the garage. You tell your child that it is late and past their curfew and that in the morning you will discuss with them about it in the morning. Morning happens and as parents you sit down with your child. You may ask  him why he is late and he says I just didn't realize the time. You then explain that you all had discussed a curfew and had agreed that on weekends that midnight was an acceptable curfew. You may even explain that the reason is for their safety as well as for you to know where they are at. You understand they may have not looked at the time but because they haven't come back when was established that they are not able to use the car the next couple of weekends.
So this may sound easy and some of you may say well we tried that or that sounds to simple. I'm sure you may get some back talk but you did discuss with your child a curfew and that arguing is not getting them the car back. There are consequences to the actions. This method helps teach children one of life's great lessons for every choice there is a consequence whether it is good or bad.
     I hope this helps and you don't think I hate you if you are not parenting the last way. I feel the last way is the best method. Before you knock it how about you try it. It may not go smooth but it will go better.

Fathers and Fatherhood

     This is another important thing we talked about in class and even had a paper that we had to do some research for. Fatherhood is it important? Does the contribution matter if the mother is the nurture?
I hope to cover these two questions today and open a little more understanding. Fatherhood is it important. While some of society may tell you it isn't important the research available tells us otherwise. I was able to find a link to a small booklet called "The costs and benefitsof active fatherhood. London: Fathers Direct," I would invite you to take a look at it.
   In there it talked about how a fathers influence helped children with motivation toward education, father's income predicted how long a son was in school, closeness to a father at 16 was a predicator for marital satisfaction later in their life, and father's influence caused a delay in daughters having first sex.
     Just those few things should make you want to have your father around or as a wife to have your husband home. Mothers do play an important role as well but today I have chosen to focus on the fathers. So to answer the question is fatherhood important? yes it is if some of those benefits sounded good. No if you don't care about your child's marriage later or them having sex at a younger age.
    The contribution to children from the father has many benefits. Just as The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that children are entitled to a mother and a father. It isn't often that the Church of Jesus Christ we talk about entitlement being a good thing or something we should have. But this is one of them that we do have telling us children are indeed entitled to a mother and father.
     I believe in a God who is wiser and smarter than I am. This for me means God does know how important a father is to the family. Sure we have women who work and can earn money for the family and in today's society does just as much or can do just as much as a man. But he knows it is important to have a family and that the father is important.
     So if you still don't feel I met some of the reason a father is important check out the website that I linked for your reading pleasure and do some of your own research. Don't just take my word on this. I hope this helps you understand a little more the importance of the other half of the parents and just how important they can be to the family.

Communication Is Key

     Communication? Why so important? Why do I say key? I feel that communication is the one way we are able to express ourselves as individuals to another person. In marriage I feel that communication is vital to a healthy and happy relationship. But it starts before marriage of course. Communication isn't just talking. It involves body language, tone of voice and of course the talking between individuals.
     There are many ways communication can help us in our lives. In my own marriage this happens at times. I'm not perfect and even I misread signs or body language my wife shows. Most times though if I look at her I can tell when she isn't happy or doesn't agree with something I may have just said. I can even ask her "is everything ok?" to which she may respond "everything is fine" I know at certain times it is true and others I have to dig deeper to find the problem.
     This can be important in relationships because if I understand my wife's communication ques that she gives off I am able to better understand what I can do to improve. Also it gets the real problem out in the open so things can be corrected or better understood between us. If I just simply ignored her and was fine with the answer that everything is fine I may find a problem out later that could have been solved. Now don't get the wrong idea I love my wife and we are happily married and in most circumstances things really are fine.
This bring me to the other thing I said about it being the key. I feel it is a key in a marriage because like I mentioned earlier it can help us solve any marital disagreements we may come across. Healthy communication can even help us problem solve. Some communication is unhelpful such as yelling or name calling or anything that causes us to be rude to our spouse even if we think they deserve it. I have had this as a philosophy that communication is key. It was one of the things I looked for in a woman. Can I communicate with her? or Can we problem solve well in a disagreement? These two took sometime to figure out. It wasn't until we were engaged and had many small disagreements about things that I knew we could work things out. Most of the issues we face in our lives gets solved fairly quickly. This is because we both take the time to communicate and be open so that we understand each other better.
I invite everyone to try healthy communication. Work out the arguments in a friendly way and talk about them. Try and understand the other person. I know it will be more effective than the yelling.