This last week in my class we were talking about family crisis and the family under stress. We had a good example of how a crisis can be an opportunity as well as dangerous. In life we are faced with many crisis or difficult situations in our families. These come across in ways such as a loss of a child, death of a loved one, hardships that come on the family. All of these can either strengthen a family or cause the family to be destroyed in some way.
Some of these situations can be easier if we rely on our faith in whatever religion it is. Being LDS I know what is called the plan of Salvation and that through the temple families can be together forever. Now that doesn't mean the pain goes away. I had a recent experience in my own life that has been hard. At times I have been distant from my sister and it wasn't until his death that we have talked a little more. This may be because I just lost him this month. In this situation that has become difficult I have found more connection in the last little bit with her. Even though I know this plan my father was not a member of the LDS church. But what I feel is that he will accept the gospel. Knowing this can bring me peace in my life. It still doesn't take away a loss of a loved one but coping can make it easier.
What I am trying to get at is in these crisis's we have we must have some type of plan. Now don't plan every trial but realize when hard things come what will you do? Will you get upset with a spouse or loved one? Will you blame yourself for the things that happened? What will you do when the hard times come. One thing I will do is always turn to the Lord and then to my wife for the support I need. She will be my greatest strength in the trials we face together. If I trust in the Lord I can be comforted in the trials I face. I will not turn from the people I love but turn toward the people that I love.
My Beautiful Family
Monday, November 16, 2015
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Safeguards In Marriage
This week I want to talk about how we can prevent infidelity in our marriage and some tips to safeguard ourselves from it. I hope I still have your attention after the first sentence. Infidelity? why would many of us care? Most of us probably feel a strong connection to spouse and say I would never cheat on my spouse. What is Infidelity though? As defined in the dictionary Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to your spouse. There are four types of affairs they are fantasy, visual, romantic and sexual. This may shock some who think of an affair just as romantic and sexual. We can also be unfaithful in a fantasy with someone or visual such a pornography.
Now the point is not to talk about Infidelity and the four types of affairs but to say how can we avoid these dangerous waters? Some may be thinking still but my spouse loves me and is faithful and won't do this. You are probably right they wont but it isn't impossible. So what are some steps we can take to protect our marriages? Let me first illustrate a story "A wise father recounted this story to his sons:
Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a teamster (wagon driver). The freight company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even more impressive; with great skill and dexterity he managed to drive the wagon up the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
Who got the job? The third driver, of course.
With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
This story illustrates to us boundaries. The boundary was clear don't go off the cliff or you lose the cargo.
"Often we think that affairs primarily happen when spouses do not love each other enough, when the marriage is bad, when sexual intimacy is suffering, or when a more attractive alternative comes along. But affairs are not primarily about love, sex, or attraction, they are about boundaries; where we draw the line. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (2003), points out that affairs are more about boundaries than anything else."
So what are some of these wise walls? They are as follows
Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a
bed.
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.
• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.
• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.
These wall may seem to restrictive to some who just read them. One example I think of is a girl who says I have a lot of different guy friend who have helped me out in my life and I don't want to lose the friendship.
This can be hard for people with opposite gender friends because it causes some separation to occur from close friends. There is great safety in this though because you have less of a chance to have occur what we call misattribution of arousal. If we connect with our most inner feelings with someone we can feel that we have a connection that could lead to intimacy. We also may try and help a friend who is going through a hard time and have the same thing happen. We can be good friends or or people in general and still make a mistake. It can happen to the best of us. That does not excuse one from being at fault.
In the scriptures we are commanded to cleave unto our spouse and none else. We may want friends of the opposite sex, want to keep the old friends we have, or even maintain old friendships. At what cost do we maintain these other relationships? At the cost of a loved one who has put their faith, trust, and love into us? Can we say we truly are obedient to God or our spouse if we don't cleave unto our spouse casting out the old flames, opposite sex friendships when our spouse isn't around and being faithful to the one we married can we say we truly love them?
It is my personal belief that we do make sacrifices when we marry. We lose certain close friendships so that we cleave unto our spouse. It isn't that we are mean people but our focus is on the second most important person of our life the first being God and the second being our spouse. The friends we have may not understand but one day they will as they find people to marry and cleave unto their spouse. Obedience and faithfulness to ones spouse is more important than a previous friendship. I hope you finished through all this and will take these principles and apply walls to safeguard your marriage.
Now the point is not to talk about Infidelity and the four types of affairs but to say how can we avoid these dangerous waters? Some may be thinking still but my spouse loves me and is faithful and won't do this. You are probably right they wont but it isn't impossible. So what are some steps we can take to protect our marriages? Let me first illustrate a story "A wise father recounted this story to his sons:
Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a teamster (wagon driver). The freight company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even more impressive; with great skill and dexterity he managed to drive the wagon up the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
Who got the job? The third driver, of course.
With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
This story illustrates to us boundaries. The boundary was clear don't go off the cliff or you lose the cargo.
"Often we think that affairs primarily happen when spouses do not love each other enough, when the marriage is bad, when sexual intimacy is suffering, or when a more attractive alternative comes along. But affairs are not primarily about love, sex, or attraction, they are about boundaries; where we draw the line. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (2003), points out that affairs are more about boundaries than anything else."
So what are some of these wise walls? They are as follows
Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a
bed.
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.
• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.
• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.
These wall may seem to restrictive to some who just read them. One example I think of is a girl who says I have a lot of different guy friend who have helped me out in my life and I don't want to lose the friendship.
This can be hard for people with opposite gender friends because it causes some separation to occur from close friends. There is great safety in this though because you have less of a chance to have occur what we call misattribution of arousal. If we connect with our most inner feelings with someone we can feel that we have a connection that could lead to intimacy. We also may try and help a friend who is going through a hard time and have the same thing happen. We can be good friends or or people in general and still make a mistake. It can happen to the best of us. That does not excuse one from being at fault.
In the scriptures we are commanded to cleave unto our spouse and none else. We may want friends of the opposite sex, want to keep the old friends we have, or even maintain old friendships. At what cost do we maintain these other relationships? At the cost of a loved one who has put their faith, trust, and love into us? Can we say we truly are obedient to God or our spouse if we don't cleave unto our spouse casting out the old flames, opposite sex friendships when our spouse isn't around and being faithful to the one we married can we say we truly love them?
It is my personal belief that we do make sacrifices when we marry. We lose certain close friendships so that we cleave unto our spouse. It isn't that we are mean people but our focus is on the second most important person of our life the first being God and the second being our spouse. The friends we have may not understand but one day they will as they find people to marry and cleave unto their spouse. Obedience and faithfulness to ones spouse is more important than a previous friendship. I hope you finished through all this and will take these principles and apply walls to safeguard your marriage.
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